Guilty of A Pleasure

I have been unproductive for these past few days. I then blamed the uncertain class schedule. The things that I did was streaming video, scrolling my social media, indolently reclining on my bed, and other unuseful things. Reading news may be counted as the useful one, though most of them were celebrities news. Was I happy?

Maybe yes, mainly because I filled with joy when I watched some amusing videos or because had no exigent things to be finished soon. I had 24/7 a week just for me. Freely, I could choose whatever I want to do during that whole week, and I chose to be a reveler who busily enjoys her own preoccupation in her tiny dormitory room. I pretend to be oblivious to the surroundings. It is a pleasure: full of enjoyment.

Initially, I thought that having time to do relaxing things will make me feel more alive, happy, and free. But what happened is contravene to what I expected. I feel so empty that I inquiring myself is this what I precisely want. Yes, I laughed a lot when I watched a funny video, but after that video finished, my smile crease disappeared. It's like I need more than this. Those funny videos only make me happy when I watch them. Nothing left when those videos ended. Also, I could not watch funny videos all the time, right? I did not know how to spend my holidays. 24/7 a week is too much for me that it makes me feel so vacant. Instead, guilty filled my heart: the guilt of not using the time God bestowed me to do useful things.

Then, Thursday came and one of my friends stayed in my dorm to prepare her exam. I helped her study since I had passed that exam a few weeks ago. Was I happy when the time I help her? Let me say it honestly, maybe no, not as much as when I watched a funny video. I felt a bit reluctant to help her because I have to re-study some lectures. But what happened after we finished the study, I felt more content than before. I was fully happy -and proud of course- that I could help her.

I was happy doing those relaxing and refreshing things. But that happy feeling only appears exactly when I did it and left nothing when I have done. So it has no impact on me and still cannot fulfill my expectation, or my heart. But doing useful things, like helping my friend, I don't know why, but it feels happier though it's a bit boring at first. The most important thing is the guilt disappear.

Concisely, doing pleasant things don't make human instantly feel happy. Rather than that, doing useful things make the human feel valuable. Happiness tastes sweet, but it isn't enough. After these 7 days of guilty pleasure experience, I then know the reason why someone at Medium.com said that the goal of life is not happiness, but usefulness. What makes you human? Be useful to others, not be happy all the time.